I'm in my 40's and I have a lot of close friends, both in my city (mostly newer friends) and around the country/world (mostly older friendships).
My trick is, I cheat. I'm happily single, live alone and have no children. That gives me the luxury of doing the heavy lifting in my friendships. I travel a lot and most of those trips are to stay with friends in their homes or to meet them at a third destination. That's been the most effective way to stay very close to my friends, as well as to become close to their spouses and kids. I understand most people can't do this because of their own family obligations. But maybe it's something people with families could do just once or twice a year to visit people important to them?
Beyond that, I'm usually the one to start group chats or send memes on social media or schedule video chats. Sometimes it's a chore, but usually it's effortless for me. And the close friends I've maintained to this point are with people who are usually very eager and able to stay in touch on their end. The others have fell by the wayside over the years. And some I have consciously excluded from my life when I realized they were bad friends.
I'd also add that, as a man, I find that women make better friends then men, especially past our 20's, and I'd encourage all men to consider finding and building more non-romantic relationships with women.
> building more non-romantic relationships with women.
I completely agree; I've always preferred being friends with women, but in my opinion it's not easy to do.
Things sometimes get complicated quickly if there's attraction on either side which often happens to at least one side if you're close friends. Even without romantic feelings, things get weird/awkward if either party is in a relationship or married.
I wonder if we can learn something from homosexual people in this. I don't often see gay guys cutting off their straight friendships because they're one-sidedly attracted for example in the same way straight men swear off any woman.
I think the crux there is that there isn't the potential mutual attraction.
For me, it would be much harder to develop feelings if I knew that there couldn't be attraction.
For a straight man it is probably just as easy being friends with a gay woman as it is a straight man, because in both cases there won't be mutual attraction. Conversely as a gay male it would be easy being friends with straight women or straight men -- I think that's where you see the stereotype of gay men with many friends who are straight women.
Well that's the thing, I don't generally see lesbians claiming they can have no lesbian friends, or gay people claiming they can have no gay friends, either. They seem to be able to be more emotionally mature about managing their attraction such that they don't need to cut themselves off from their attracted gender like some kind of addict.
Complicated doesn't even begin to cover it. I'm in this situation now and it's basically ruining my life. Or maybe it's ruined already, because I see no possible way out -- not even just ending the friendship.
Not only is the friendship very close, but inextricably linked with far and away my favorite activity in the world. One that has brought by far the most joy to my life, and one that I have given up a lot to pursue.
I don't even know how I could have predicted or avoided it, either. At first glance, I never would have guessed I would end up feeling any attraction to her at all. In actual fact, what I ended up with are feelings I could have never even imagined I was capable of feeling for someone (I'm 40).
The only thing I could have done differently, I'm afraid, would have been to make damn sure to never get so close to any woman at all.
As much as you can, relax. These things go 100x better when you’re relaxed. Whatever method you use to destress, do it. A lot. I’ve found that all social/romantic situations will flow better if I can build some mental “distance”.
I agree with a lot of this comment, but honestly having kids is just another connection point with other people - another reason to form a friendship.
A few months ago I organized a Dad's Drinks at a local bar. I walked there with a neighbor and realized that on every block there was at least one dad chilling in his house that wanted to come out. Having kids builds a habit to stay home, but isn't always a necessity - especially once the kids are 3 years old or older.
My trick is, I cheat. I'm happily single, live alone and have no children. That gives me the luxury of doing the heavy lifting in my friendships. I travel a lot and most of those trips are to stay with friends in their homes or to meet them at a third destination. That's been the most effective way to stay very close to my friends, as well as to become close to their spouses and kids. I understand most people can't do this because of their own family obligations. But maybe it's something people with families could do just once or twice a year to visit people important to them?
Beyond that, I'm usually the one to start group chats or send memes on social media or schedule video chats. Sometimes it's a chore, but usually it's effortless for me. And the close friends I've maintained to this point are with people who are usually very eager and able to stay in touch on their end. The others have fell by the wayside over the years. And some I have consciously excluded from my life when I realized they were bad friends.
I'd also add that, as a man, I find that women make better friends then men, especially past our 20's, and I'd encourage all men to consider finding and building more non-romantic relationships with women.