I've been wanting for a while to share my experience of loneliness and how I overcame it 7 years ago during my PhD in the hopes that people who find themselves stuck in a similar situation find solace and encouragement.
In summary, the following 3 factors helped me overcome loneliness:
1. Support from my family.
2. Commitment from my romantic partner.
3. Becoming unstuck from my career obstacles.
Having friends around was fun in the moment and arguably gave me some of the most amazing memories in my lifetime. However, in the moments of despair, friends without commitment weren’t able to provide me with the refuge and support that I needed to trudge through the trenches and make it to the finish line.
They say “no man is an island.” We form mini continents with people we are committed to. Non-committal relationships, on the other hand, are like cruise ships—docking at the island briefly, then sailing away whenever they please. But, man, aren’t those ships fun to have around—they can turn a mere island into a paradise.
I think that is fair if the expectation is such that you contribute interesting ideas, like in a forum.
However, when it is one on one communication, many times people are looking for emotional connection rather than simple exchange of ideas. I think that is when ghosting really stings.
Our reliance on online interactions is responsible for the increase in the tendency to ghost.
That is a big problem because that means more proportion of people's attempts to connect with others as a whole end up in straight up neglect which can be detrimental to not only one's ego, but also one's social development.
I think this contributes significantly to the loneliness epidemic, and ultimately people need more in-person interactions to overcome this.
Definitely should be a balance between individualism and collectivism. Covid drove us all the way to one extreme, and now some people seem to crave the opposite.
But it is also interesting to see that there seems to be a wide spectrum in office cultures post Covid. Some jobs still feel like they are in the thick of it, while others are back to 5 days (or even more if you work for one of Elon's companies)
The whole remote vs in office in somewhat a tired argument, so lets move a level up to power structures: old folks in power, both government and corporate. ~2M people in the US 55+ die every year, ~5k per day. ~4M people turn 18. ~4.1M Boomers are retiring per year, ~11k per day. This demographic transition is the opportunity to move the zeitgeist around social interaction to improve outcomes for the human at scale (imho). Like bankruptcy, change happens slowly, and then all of a sudden.
Work must get done, but re-evaluating what work looks like in the service of the human (because why are we even living if it is just to work) should be a priority if loneliness is killing us (and more time at work is not the solution imho). It's just a job, you are just a replaceable cog, most people just need a check, and coworkers are not your friends (in most cases). Collectivism is coming together as a community, not for a meaningless job and org.
(n=1, I structured my life so I can take only remote jobs, so I can be close geographically to the people who matter to me, enrich my life, and I want to spend time with, but this does not scale [or rather, we should figure out how to make it scale: https://paulgraham.com/ds.html])
"If I told you, 'I went into my backyard, I made this pill. It's amazing. It's free. If you take it, it'll actually improve your health, make you feel better, improve your performance at work, improve your grades, boost your immunity,' you'd be like, 'Sign me up. I'll take that tomorrow.'" It turns out that's what social connection is. Just a little connection can go a long way in keeping us healthy.
Free in terms of monetary costs but not free in terms of absolute costs for example time and emotional depletion.
For some people they see social connections as more risks that they can possibly lose something and be hurt if things don't work out or they are rejected.
And in general social connections require some type of mutual benefit so it is necessary to "give" as you "get".
Then another layer are that social connections in general need a reason. Is it a club, hobby, job, etc. which takes time and energy.
These "costs" are not universal and vary from person to person.
All these things can be overcome, but it is also important to look at the other side because the reason that people prefer just buying a pill to fix their problems is that the above mentioned costs for them are greater than the price of alternatives like medication, social media, gaming, etc.
Surely there have been relationships in your life that were net positive? Was your mother caring and loving when you were young? Did you ever have a best friend? Ever been in love?
The easiest way to have a positive relationship is to just be the good friend you’d want for yourself. The thoughtful lover you’d want to be with, the sort of sibling you wish you had.
Doing these things costs you nothing. You might even find some positive emotions when you do them.
People you don't know are boring. Most people are full of surprises, unique insights, traits, and perspectives, if given enough time in the right setting. An increasing rarity at this point.
These are real voices from real places. It does have 2 AI voice filter options available for people who want to stay anonymous, but the audio sources are real people. You can tell by the diverse voices you can listen to.
In summary, the following 3 factors helped me overcome loneliness:
1. Support from my family. 2. Commitment from my romantic partner. 3. Becoming unstuck from my career obstacles.
Having friends around was fun in the moment and arguably gave me some of the most amazing memories in my lifetime. However, in the moments of despair, friends without commitment weren’t able to provide me with the refuge and support that I needed to trudge through the trenches and make it to the finish line.
They say “no man is an island.” We form mini continents with people we are committed to. Non-committal relationships, on the other hand, are like cruise ships—docking at the island briefly, then sailing away whenever they please. But, man, aren’t those ships fun to have around—they can turn a mere island into a paradise.